After a long time of absence, I finally made my way back to the Doc's office. The overdue appointments, the wafting smell of a the combined vomit and hand sanitizers, and the leer of the stuck up receptionist awaken every senses and that God awful feeling of patheticness. One thing I was looking forward for was Hannah.
Hannah. She barely fits the idea of a friend. She was merely an acquaintance of a sort that we met by chance of an overlapping appointments. We never talked outside that four walls of the Doc's office. We don't facebook each other, and we don't text each other. we just enjoyed each others company while waiting in the sullen room. I swear, in another life, we would be the best buddies.
She once mocked my playlist and introduced me to Pink Floyd. I mocked her choice of books and introduced her to the Tomorrow series.
We secretly made fun of the Doc and his accent.
We traded war stories, though mine look likes a fairy tale next to her.
We read each other blogs and gave our two cents. She was utterly annoyed when I deleted the last one.
We could tell when the other had an episode, or just need a happy pill refill.
It was not all fun though,. She had mocked my favorite green hoodie to which I regretfully said at least I can wear short sleeves. I was an idiot, she quickly tugged on her sleeves covering up her slashes.
The last time I met her, I was too cheerful for her mood. So we just traded our iPhone to listen to the other's playlist. That was when I thought I could handle stuff better. I was wrong. And now I am back, hoping to at least have a chance encounter and meet her there.
But she wasn't. For that 4 months of absence, she finally did what she always tried. And I probably the last person in her little world to know.
Hey Hannah. Thanks for your music, your stories and your warmth. You'll be deeply missed.
RIP Hannah Tan
1985-2012
Jack and Jill
Bickering. That is what they always do, from where to eat
and even their football team. I chuckled when Jill dismissed Jack with a
whatever. Very original, I thought. Then the silence came, only the sound of
Jack’s mix CD serves as background music. Jack cranked up the volume when I
guess the silence was becoming unbearable. I decided then that maybe I should
start talking again.
“I’m hungry,” I said.
Right on cue, both of them put on their parent mode.
“Ok, what do you want to eat?” Jill asked.
“We can go wherever you want,” said Jack.
See, parental. The indulgent kind. It is very tempting to
take advantage of these two. Jill’s voice from that day rang in my head. “It’s
okay; you still have me and Jack.”
I smiled and said we should get burgers. Not the ones serve
at those fancy restaurants, but the big, real, greasy burgers that just scream
heart attack and calories. Jack seemed eager enough while Jill just grimaced. I
felt bad instantly and told Jack that maybe we should just go to whatever we
saw first. And sure enough, with Jack’s direction we saw a fast food joint.
Score one for Jack.
I sat across of them when we got our food. We dove into our
silly conversations, talking about the future and what we might go through. I
stole a fry from Jack and dipped it in Jill’s ice cream. “You know, I think I
love you guys,” I said.
Both of them momentarily froze. I used that quick second to
steal more fries. Damn, those suckers tasted great that day. Jack cleared his
throat and Jill shifted her weight in her seat. Without being cued, both of
them said “me thinks so too.” It was perfect.
Boom.
You're alone and it is dark. You can't seem to see anything. You realize that your shoes are gone and that your are standing on a wet field. You start to panic and shiver manically against the cold wind that suddenly comes and envelopes you in a strong hug. You notice that you can't breathe. You start hearing murmuring and it becomes louder and louder. You call out out for help, but your voice is weak. You can only listen to the murmurs.
"Shame,"
"It is because of you,"
"Your fault. Your fault,"
You reach around, desperate, trying to get to the voices but you get nothing. When suddenly a spark shoots up to the sky.
The spark blazes up and explode to a wonderful scene of fireworks. More sparks shoot up in the air and suddenly the wind ceases, the murmur stops. Your surrounding gets clearer and you manage to see your feet, and that your shoes are next to you. You quickly put on your shoes and rub your eyes, adjusting to the lights. Fireworks paint up the sky in a harmonious booms. You start to laugh and cheer for the fireworks. You look around and notice the people around you. They beam a wide smile at you and you join them dancing under the fireworks. Your face muscles twitches, you notice that you are smiling and it feels good.
They pull you into a hug, each one of them. Saying goodbye. You don't understand. And you look up to the sky, more fireworks are beginning to fade away. You scream out telling it to stay.
"Goodbye. Goodbye,"
The murmuring begins. You panic and start to sweat. Suddenly the people move away. Like a scene from a cartoon, within a blink they are already miles away. You begin running towards them. You notice your shoes are gone. You run anyway. You no longer run on that wet field, but a dry, grainy ground. Your feet begin to bleed. The sky turns darker every second. You can no longer see them.
You can't breathe. You can't run. You can't see. You just sit and pull your knees close. You rock your body back and forth, back and forth. You are murmuring now.
"It's my fault. It's my fault,"
Stay, rain, stay.
Rain, don't go away. Stay.
Don't listen to those fools.
Because I play when you're here.
Stay longer.
Passive Aggressive.
When I'm pissed off, in reality, I would stay quiet and avoid whatever it is that pissing me off. But in my own kooky mind, I'll scheme up a wicked plan. Say a kidnapping. Or an accidental stair accident. Fret not, it only goes as far as a lil chuckle from me. I have not done anything of sorts, yet. I shall give you an example.
You have a nemesis and from now on we call her Amy. Say the nemesis is a 4 foot, spectacle, shy, just out from kampung and kinda looks like a retard. Ok she may not look retarded, but for the sake of this post, lets say she is. Now a nemesis is someone you know and is friends with but secretly inside, you just wanna slap that motherF up.
If you're anything like me, friendship revolves around lepak-ing with food involve. And if you really are like me, you like to invite friends over to your home and cook for them. This is a good time to pick a theme. Orange would be great. If anyone asked why go all smancy and even setting up a theme, just nonchalantly say "oh coz I just feel like doing something nice. Coz I love each and one of you," and that time, look directly at her eyes.
When your guests all arrived, compliment them on something. The hair, the dress or even that new girlfriend of Max (which you haven't invited but hey more witnesses! why not). And when the unsuspecting Amy walks in, say this "Oh my God! you look like an Oompa Loompa!" Then pat her heads and usher her in. Now you understand why the theme must be orange!
Last time I cooked for my friends was a big batch of spaghetti. It is very useful if you asked the girls if they mind helping you out by setting the table. When Amy tries to help by picking up the plates just say "oh no no no. Not you. Remember..." and you may disclose any embarrassing klutzy details of Amy's life. And laugh heartily and said "no offense Amy. Be a sport. I'm only joking,"
Now the table is set. It is very important that you're the one that scooped up the spaghetti. And then sprinkle some cheese on top. At this moment, having magical hands are very handy. Put spices on Amy's plate. The more you put the better. And gleefully watch as she squirms over the spicy-ness. And whats this? You forgot to serve drinks? Oh dear oh dear. Take every slow step that you can to get her a glass of that very needed water. And she finally down that drink, smile and say "awww Amy cant take up a lil heat huh"
It is now dessert time. This is great if Amy were allergic to peanuts. You can pair anything with peanuts, like say smoothie, ice cream, brownies, chocolates and the list goes on. And it is easy to conceal peanuts. Now when her throats blows up, act panicky but then hey whats this! You have that syringe thingy and you stab her throat just in time to save her life. You might have stab a lil hard, but its ok, she'll live.
While everyone calms down over the commotion, you just turn on that 55 inch LCD tv and let them watch a game. Preferably a match of Selangor VS Terengganu. And since Amy is from Terengganu, you pray to God that Selangor will win. And if God loves you (and he might considering what Amy had done to you), and Selangor won, rubbed it in her face on how inefficient the Terengganu players was.
The night is about to end. Everyone seems like they had a good time. Mark is even kissing his new girlfriend on your couch. And the rest of the couple is about to retire back home. Amy is all alone. You go up to her, pats her back, gave her a hug and tell her one day, she'll find the one. Right at that moment, the doorbell will ring and your hot damn gorgeous new boyfriend enters. You squeal in delight, ran up to him and give him a kiss for all to watch. Make sure Amy gets a good view. Everyone leaves so that you may have time with the said gorgeous and sexy as hell boyfriend. You may never hear from Amy again, but hey, that was what the dinner was for.
I might have gotten a lil out of hand somewhere in the middle but this is what daydreams are for. Its when reality suck so much that you just have to run away from it and be satisfied with something, even though it is not true. Sure you need to embrace reality and all that suckiness, but a lil help from imagination does help from time to time.
NOTE: I made up everything. I'm only joking. Seriously, don't do any of this stuff.
You have a nemesis and from now on we call her Amy. Say the nemesis is a 4 foot, spectacle, shy, just out from kampung and kinda looks like a retard. Ok she may not look retarded, but for the sake of this post, lets say she is. Now a nemesis is someone you know and is friends with but secretly inside, you just wanna slap that motherF up.
If you're anything like me, friendship revolves around lepak-ing with food involve. And if you really are like me, you like to invite friends over to your home and cook for them. This is a good time to pick a theme. Orange would be great. If anyone asked why go all smancy and even setting up a theme, just nonchalantly say "oh coz I just feel like doing something nice. Coz I love each and one of you," and that time, look directly at her eyes.
When your guests all arrived, compliment them on something. The hair, the dress or even that new girlfriend of Max (which you haven't invited but hey more witnesses! why not). And when the unsuspecting Amy walks in, say this "Oh my God! you look like an Oompa Loompa!" Then pat her heads and usher her in. Now you understand why the theme must be orange!
Last time I cooked for my friends was a big batch of spaghetti. It is very useful if you asked the girls if they mind helping you out by setting the table. When Amy tries to help by picking up the plates just say "oh no no no. Not you. Remember..." and you may disclose any embarrassing klutzy details of Amy's life. And laugh heartily and said "no offense Amy. Be a sport. I'm only joking,"
Now the table is set. It is very important that you're the one that scooped up the spaghetti. And then sprinkle some cheese on top. At this moment, having magical hands are very handy. Put spices on Amy's plate. The more you put the better. And gleefully watch as she squirms over the spicy-ness. And whats this? You forgot to serve drinks? Oh dear oh dear. Take every slow step that you can to get her a glass of that very needed water. And she finally down that drink, smile and say "awww Amy cant take up a lil heat huh"
It is now dessert time. This is great if Amy were allergic to peanuts. You can pair anything with peanuts, like say smoothie, ice cream, brownies, chocolates and the list goes on. And it is easy to conceal peanuts. Now when her throats blows up, act panicky but then hey whats this! You have that syringe thingy and you stab her throat just in time to save her life. You might have stab a lil hard, but its ok, she'll live.
While everyone calms down over the commotion, you just turn on that 55 inch LCD tv and let them watch a game. Preferably a match of Selangor VS Terengganu. And since Amy is from Terengganu, you pray to God that Selangor will win. And if God loves you (and he might considering what Amy had done to you), and Selangor won, rubbed it in her face on how inefficient the Terengganu players was.
The night is about to end. Everyone seems like they had a good time. Mark is even kissing his new girlfriend on your couch. And the rest of the couple is about to retire back home. Amy is all alone. You go up to her, pats her back, gave her a hug and tell her one day, she'll find the one. Right at that moment, the doorbell will ring and your hot damn gorgeous new boyfriend enters. You squeal in delight, ran up to him and give him a kiss for all to watch. Make sure Amy gets a good view. Everyone leaves so that you may have time with the said gorgeous and sexy as hell boyfriend. You may never hear from Amy again, but hey, that was what the dinner was for.
I might have gotten a lil out of hand somewhere in the middle but this is what daydreams are for. Its when reality suck so much that you just have to run away from it and be satisfied with something, even though it is not true. Sure you need to embrace reality and all that suckiness, but a lil help from imagination does help from time to time.
NOTE: I made up everything. I'm only joking. Seriously, don't do any of this stuff.
Spanish Inquisition. (2)
I was still hugging him. For how long, I'm not sure. It only dawned on me what I had been doing when I felt his hands moved towards my back and pulled me close. He buried his head on my neck and lifted me for a strong hug. Everything came rushing back to me and guilt crawled up to my skin. I pushed him away.
"No, not again. Not this time," he said and pulled me back towards him. I pushed him away "No, I'm sorry. It was a mistake, I shouldn't have done it. This can't happen," I said hastily. I shoved his keys in his hands and walked away. I walked fast but I could hear his footsteps behind me.
I turned around, ready to yell at him but he was not there. Just a couple of teenagers walking by, weird-ed out I guess by this lady that just stopped dead in her tracks. Tears began to form in the corner of my eyes. He didn't follow me like I would think. So I slumped to side, buried my face in my knees and cried.
I realised then, that he stopped waiting. And this is real. I'm going to be alone, forever.
"No, not again. Not this time," he said and pulled me back towards him. I pushed him away "No, I'm sorry. It was a mistake, I shouldn't have done it. This can't happen," I said hastily. I shoved his keys in his hands and walked away. I walked fast but I could hear his footsteps behind me.
I turned around, ready to yell at him but he was not there. Just a couple of teenagers walking by, weird-ed out I guess by this lady that just stopped dead in her tracks. Tears began to form in the corner of my eyes. He didn't follow me like I would think. So I slumped to side, buried my face in my knees and cried.
I realised then, that he stopped waiting. And this is real. I'm going to be alone, forever.
ACT 5, SCENE 1
Scene I - An abandon castle.
ANNE looking around, bearing a torch and shine over the portraits hanging on the solemn wall.
Enter OLD LADY.
OLD LADY
Beautiful aren't they?
ANNE
You scared me.
OLD LADY
Fear not as I'm only the guardians of these walls. What is it that you seek coming here unannounced?
ANNE
Solace. For I have none since September. I do apologize if I have impede any activity. I shall leave.
OLD LADY
Ah just wait. If solace is that you seek, why here? Given the history these walls have witness, surely you must known that comfort is the last thing you may find.
ANNE
It is the quiet that gives me comfort.
OLD LADY
Lend me your hands. Ah yes, you have the mark of bleakness and yet there is a tinge of darkness. Let me see closer. Yet here's a spot.
ANNE
You're hurting me.
OLD LADY
There is a spot here in your palm. It will not go away..
ANNE
Please stop
OLD LADY
...it must go away. Out out damn spot! These hands must be cleaned.
ANNE
Stop it. Let go!
OLD LADY
Out, damned spot! out, I say!--One: two: why,then,tis time to do't. What, will these hands ne'er be clean?--No more o'that, my lord, no more o' that: you mar all with this starting.
Lights fade. Screams.
ANNE looking around, bearing a torch and shine over the portraits hanging on the solemn wall.
Enter OLD LADY.
OLD LADY
Beautiful aren't they?
ANNE
You scared me.
OLD LADY
Fear not as I'm only the guardians of these walls. What is it that you seek coming here unannounced?
ANNE
Solace. For I have none since September. I do apologize if I have impede any activity. I shall leave.
OLD LADY
Ah just wait. If solace is that you seek, why here? Given the history these walls have witness, surely you must known that comfort is the last thing you may find.
ANNE
It is the quiet that gives me comfort.
OLD LADY
Lend me your hands. Ah yes, you have the mark of bleakness and yet there is a tinge of darkness. Let me see closer. Yet here's a spot.
ANNE
You're hurting me.
OLD LADY
There is a spot here in your palm. It will not go away..
ANNE
Please stop
OLD LADY
...it must go away. Out out damn spot! These hands must be cleaned.
ANNE
Stop it. Let go!
OLD LADY
Out, damned spot! out, I say!--One: two: why,then,tis time to do't. What, will these hands ne'er be clean?--No more o'that, my lord, no more o' that: you mar all with this starting.
Lights fade. Screams.
Spanish Inquisition.
"What is your constant?" quipped Dean today during dinner. I looked at him, quirked my head to the side and asked "what do you mean by constant?"
"You know, something that hasn't change. Something that is yours from childhood till now," he explained. He had that look on his face again. Its like pity. Yeah poor me for asking the definition of constant.
"No," I said curtly. I wasn't trying to be rude, I'm just wanted to avoid this topic.
"Oh liar. How about that childhood home?" he asked.
"I don't have one. Even in Denver, my family manage to move around six times there. Its not constant,"
"Ok. How about friends? You do have one from childhood till now yes?" he innocently asked. Times like this, when he asked innocently, I just want to punch him.
"No. Each time I move, there will be a new friend, and the old ones before would lost contact with me," I replied nonchalantly. Dean stared at me, that look on his face appeared again. Pity. He reached for my hands and as he about to touch it, I pulled away.
"How about family?"
"You know very well whats going on." I looked away and stared at the family of other tables. I'm glad that they looked happy. Time must have past quite a long time because when I looked back, Dean already paid the bill.
"Hey. You know I hate it when you pay for me," I said when catching up to him at the car. I shut back the driver's door when he opened it. He sighed and held up his keys. "Fine, as punishment you can drive. Just try not to speed. Please, for the love of all that is Holy"
I smiled and gave him a hug. It took him off guard because he just stood there and let me hug him. I didn't care that he didn't respond, all I wanted at that time was a hug.
Puas.
Her eyes blinked and she immediately squinted. Apparently its the afternoon. Rays of sunlight that shines through her window annoyed her till she fumbled her lazy hands and reached her sunnies on the bedside table. She plopped it on, smiled a lazy smile and just stared at the ceiling. "It's gonna be a good day," she thought.
She lied motionless, still with the silly grin and day dreaming her perfect day. A rumble in her tummy set off a small giggle. And what would be perfect for her this fine day, you may ask. Ice cream. All she wanted was ice cream.
Then she got to thinking. All she wanted is ice cream right. But here is what is going on in her head.
Scenario 1
She got to the ice cream parlor and it is closed.
Scenario 2
She got to the ice cream parlor, but they do not have her favorite ice cream. And she just had to settle with the second favorite which she hated for choosing that.
Scenario 3
She got to the ice cream parlor, they do have her favorite ice cream but then she got to thinking, what if that other ice cream that she didn't choose was better?
Scenario 4
What if ice cream is not really the food that she wants right about now?
Scenario 5
What if what she really wants right now is just freaking rice and veggies?
Yep, multiple scenarios. She let out a groan and started pulling her hair. It won't be a good day after all. And naturally of course, she started thinking about thinking. "This is one head even Leo would have trouble in doing the inception thingy," she mumbled.
A soft knock on her door stopped her from deliberately making herself bald. She rolled herself out of bed and opened then door. There he was, her favorite ice cream in hand.
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