Cigarette on her lips.

If my heart were a person,
I'd imagined her in black and white
Hair in a mess
Wearing a big white tshirt
Faced ashen
Lips swollen
Eyes dead
That is how I see her last.

And if I get to talk to her
I'd give a fucking cigarette.
For a second there
I thought I had what I had
Felt what I felt
Tasted what I tasted 
Not too long ago
In the same mediocre manner 
Just like what it was used to.

But of course this is life
and it went away in a flurry
and I was left there stumped
thinking; oh well
You've grown up.

Because deep down I knew
I never like how it tasted
I hated how it felt
but I dared, oh how I dared
to slip poison through 
and thinking oh this is real.
So I grew up.

This is life I said
I stop the wanting
I stop the chasing
I stop the hoping
Don't come as you please
because I am tired
So please
Grow up


I took the time to read my older writings tonight.

And boy I laughed a lot. How I was so naive, stupid and very sadistic in some.

Here's to the future and may it not suck.

What's inside?

Good morning.
I want my coffee now.
Oh wait, I'm not allowed coffee.
What's that pain?
Just ignore it. Time for shower.
Oh shit, that limb was not supposed to swell.
Meds, meds, meds.
Time for school.
Breathe in, breathe out.
STOP hyperventilating!
Kids are watching, act cool.
Why is that pain still there?  I took my meds!
Oh its gone now.
Time to text my baby.
Oh he misses me. Cute.
Send lots of kisses.
Suddenly I feel depressed.
Ow, ow, ow.
Time to go home.
Housemates cook so good.
Dammit I can't eat that.
Why can't you cook good with stuff I'm allowed to eat?
Meds, meds, meds.
Skype with baby.
Everything is fine, I'm OK.
My head is throbbing, but goodnight.


Remember back when I rhyme?
with the moon and the sun,
I was laughing, playing, anything
And it was less for a dime.

But remember how suddenly everything taste like crime?
Washing sadness with the spoon and the gun,
I hated something, everything, anything
And I wanted less time.

Now, I found myself wanting to rhyme
for someone is making me swoon and so fun,
I am smiling, living, trying
And I need more time.

I don't give a damn.

I don't give a damn,
When the clothes are stacked not according colour scheme,
When the door left slightly ajar or
when someone left the cap off the tube of cream.

I don't give a damn,
When my feet ache,
When my lungs are constricted or
when my fingers start to shake.

But I do give a damn,
I do,
I do,
And it all comes back to you.

Like it was nothing.

My right hand was trembling again today. The others saw it. I hid it under the table, as they pretended to look away and busying themselves over nothing.

It won't stop, the trembling. And I had to continuously squeeze my hand and held it tight, trying as I can to make it stop. But it won't.

Tears were forming and they started to notice. No one moved though, and I was glad.

So I did what I can do best. I slammed my hand hard on the table.

Everyone looked. I laughed and said there was a cockroach.

They gave me a nervous smile. Eyes still checking my hand.

It stopped trembling.

So I stood up from my table, beamed a big smile and walked out the staff room.

blurp the third.

There was something warm next to me. I was sure of it. Mona must have let in the stupid big ass cat again. So warm. And smell like… shampoo? What the. I opened my eyes and squint through the glare from the sunlight. 

I slowly got up and got down from the bed. I rubbed my eyes again. Sure enough, she was there facing towards me. Eyes closed, mouth opened slightly, and snoring. She was still wearing her clothes, and I got a little disappointed. I was still dazed from waking up. I tried remembering what happen last night.

She seemed upset. She sat staring at nothing for hours when I finally joined her at her table. It took me loads of courage to get up to her that night. I always had a thing for her even though there was nothing interesting about her. She always sat at the same table. Ordered the same thing. Fiddled with her necklace, biting her lips when concentrating. And that was it. But I fell hard.

After talking, I found out that she had missed the train back home. I offered her a lift.  She quirked an eyebrow when I got to my motorcycle. Good thing Ryan had an extra helmet. It was like destiny. Cheesy I know. I asked if she would like to hang out for awhile and get something to eat considering she was imitating a corpse for a couple of hours. She laughed this horrible laugh and said yes.

The best thing about last night, she had never ridden on a motorcycle before. My heart did jumping jacks when she put her hands around me. When we got to a restaurant, I found out for a skinny girl, she ate a lot. And I mean, cleaned plate a lot. We split a banana split and I found out more about her...

She was boring as hell but still melts my heart when her tongue darted out to lick her lips. She noticed I was staring, and she placed her hand on my face and trace my lips with her fingers.
One thing lead to another, I ended up sneaking her up to my room. No, we didn’t kiss, heck from the look of it nothing happened. We just talked and cuddled. She was soft, she smelled like shampoo and she had this horrible laugh. Why do I like her again?

She stirred a bit and buried her face into my pillow. MY PILLOW! It seemed that she did not recognize it when she faced me back and opened her eyes. The moment she saw me, she smiled. A brilliant-weakened –the-knees smile.

“Good morning Geoff.”

They said.

I kept telling them,

there is something wrong.

I need help.

Do something.

Guess what ?

Everything is fine, they said.

You're thinking too much, they said.

You sure you're not imagining it? they asked.


Look at what you did.

The amount of time you wasted.

Sleep with that.

Comfortably Numb

Hannah once asked me, in that cold emotionless tone of hers, "how many times do you need to be disappointed in life before you just feel numb and stop having feelings?" It was easier to answer back then because I was the happier of us two. The answer was six.

I'm way over pass 26 disappointments this past two years and I still can't have that numbness she had. I was about to feel jealous, but considering that she's a year older and dead, I.. oh heck I am jealous of that fact.

And once, when I was listening to her favorite, Comfortably Numb, she said, "I don't get why people start over. You just have one life, you don't start over, you just go and fucking move on." I didn't know what to say at that time, I just shrugged. Arguing with Hannah would often feel like arguing with a rock, I should know, but she did make a lot of sense.

The closest I got into having that numbness is when I start to clean. Having slobs as housemate helps. Ended up waking at 3am and cleaning the kitchen was somehow liberating. Just focusing on scrubbing every inch of the cooker, organising or rather reorganising every thing into order. Where should go where. How the plates should be stack. Having a spotless sink. I get all smiley and happy seeing everything in order. Annoyed the hell out of my housemates though.

Yeah I don't know why I'm writing this too. I'm not numb as I wish I was. And as we all know, what I wish would happen, certainly won't. There you go, a blast of pessimist for ya.